i thought for q a bit over where i should reflect
but decided that since most people who saw the play will also see this
1. i love acting, i will always be particularly fond of curtain calls, i love the thought that we can be faithful in the smallest things
2. i love nerves, and fear, they remind me that there are so many parts of me that still struggle to be accepted, to be valued, to want people to LOOK AT ME and think good thoughts and say nice things and find me capable and talented and competent
but that is a one-way road and at the end of that road is First Half Wei, it is taking my self-worth and hanging it on what others think and say about me
so for instance, i know that i do not have a big voice or a particularly sweet or strong one, and this musical has made that apparent in many painful ways
i could grasp at my acting instead, or my comedic value or timing, or any of the kind words that people have sent my way
no. i rest instead on this: that Christ died for me, and by His blood God is now pleased with me. now my rags, my filthy offerings are as gold and silver and honey, are redeemed from their selfish and prideful motivations for the good of me myself and others.
3. i say this far too often, but though something inside me snarls whenever people go “oh Wei is really just Joseph” (which is a fair opinion for someone who doesn’t know me to have), Wei is really me without Jesus – all my insecurities, the striving to fit in, the willingness to lie and to puff myself up and to be lead headlong by pride, to treat the joy that is friendship as my savior from my fears and to crush it in doing so, to be constantly performing but terribly lonely in secret.
tonight i am thankful for Jesus, and for this production.