empty, painful, busy, fragile

“I have an iron will, and all of my will has always been to conquer some horrible feeling of inadequacy. . . I push past one spell of it and discover myself as a special human being, and then I get to another stage and think I’m mediocre and uninteresting. . . . Again and again. My drive in life is from this horrible fear of being mediocre. And that’s always pushing me, pushing me. Because even though I’ve become Somebody, I still have to prove I’m Somebody. My struggle has never ended and it probably never will.” – Madonna in her 2007 biography

“… [wouldn’t you like to be the kind of person who] when you go by a window or a mirror you don’t admire what you see, but you don’t cringe either? you don’t sit around fantasizing about hitting self-esteem home runs, nor do you ever beat yourself up (i was stupid i was wrong argh how could i have done something like that…)?

the kind of person who gets a silver in skating, but you’re just so excited about the triple jumps that the gold medallist did, you love the fact that it was done, you’re just as happy that she did it as you would be if you did it.

you can actually start to enjoy things.. that are not about you. you can enjoy things for what they are. they’re not something for your resume, not something to fill up the emptiness.

.. the problem with self-esteem, high or low, is that everything you do.. you’re looking for a verdict, that you’re important, that you’re valuable. every day of our lives is a trial – it’s like being in court, and anxiously awaiting a verdict.” – Keller, 2002.

today has been incredibly long – began my morning with a strange mini speech on Pentecostal Christianity, on which i am no expert. But i am thankful that what i said managed to help the discussion along, and i can only hope and trust that i gave as honest an account as i could, and that any fumbles and mistakes will be mended by Christ.

had a good lunch with prister, got home and straight out ko-ed it was as if Mcgregor had floored me with one of his bolo punches; woke up, was groggy, sat in a daze, somehow got myself dinner and as i was searching and searching and searching for some… distraction to occupy my dinner time, i remembered the tab that i had left open.

i told myself (as i have done for the past two days) that forty minutes is Too Long, that i don’t have time for a sermon, but i clicked on it somehow and here i am forty minutes later, thankful and so grateful for the Gospel. both of the quotes above are from that sermon – the first 15-20 minutes is, to me, a brilliantly cutting examination of the human ego – empty, painful, busy, fragile – and the second half is what humility means in Christ Jesus.

class today was painful. to hear Christianity being diluted and reduced into some conjured-up moral code, some pathetic numbers game, some corrupt and conceited con-job.. if i believe that Christ is the hope of the world, and i see Christianity in shambles, it is easy to just be disheartened and dejected.

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but this is what i want to say – that in Christ there is hope, in His truth there is hope, in Him there is redemption and a second and third chance. for in me there is little good, and scant wisdom, but what i present to you is not me, but Jesus Christ crucified, and His Word.

and what i proclaim is not myself, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with me as your servant for Jesus’ sake, for whom i gladly, joyfully consider all else as loss.


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