Two things happened tonight that I would like to talk about.
1. I logged on to the school portal to upload a powerpoint that I had done earlier in the semester at a friend’s request, and there I saw the notice about ‘SMS notification’.
I then thought about the 24th, and about getting my grades in a neat little string of text, and how I would really like those grades to be nice and neat and pleasing to the eye.
And in that moment my heart felt a pinch of fear at where I’m at now.
2. Earlier tonight, I went for cell.
Today at cell, we had a visitor, who was Kumar’s friend from FRANCE. She had a rather delightful accent, and this really light, cheerful vibe about her. She also laughed at my jokes (which were rather on a roll today), and so that was quite nice.
Today, I was doing word. So we discussed what it meant to have a pure heart, and what it meant to see God.
The whole time, I kept thinking – How can I explain this simply? Is she bored out of her mind? Confused?
Then the discussion ended, and we were getting ready to pray, when she began to ask questions about God.
So I shared to the best of my ability – Nothing too cognitive, a lot of personal stuff truncated to fit into the bits of time left.
And she listened, and then we prayed, and she said this
“I feel that religion in France is really different from here in Singapore. Back there my dad would warn me about religion, but here I feel that it is really different. What I see from you guys.”
And I’m really thankful. The whole time I was just praying under my breath “Dear God please show yourself to her please please please”
So yes. I’m not some saint of a man who has achieved oneness with Christ and now dispenses with the things of this earth breezily. I still feel fear, and worry at times, and I get tiny knots in my stomach and chest sometimes when I think about what the future holds. But it’s nights like this that remind me of what I REALLY want to do, and what really counts to me. I know I’ll have fears and worries as the days get chomped up by time till I am hunching over my exam booklet and punching out lines of text like a human typewriter, but I know also that what I do, I do for God. Like I really can say that and mean it more than I did last semester. Again, grades come and go as they please. I will give my very best!!! No doubt there. But it’s not going to be something that controls, or defines who I am. There’s got to be more, and I think, thank God, that I’m on my way to finding that something more.
(p.s. she is coming for service tomorrow! yay yay yay so happy thank you God!!!!)
Goodnight mates, and press on/stay strong (–: