Part of the reason why I’m so caught up with this moot (if I am honest with myself) is that I have been seeing it as a final chance for me to excel at something before the semester ends.
My contract is in a better state than last sem, which I thank God and Xin Hui’s generous guidance for. But my Crim is…. and my Legal Theory is…
And as much as grades aren’t essential to me, I guess that being a good orator has been my last bastion of refuge, my last pillar of self sufficiency. Sure, I pray before I speak and I thank God when it goes well, but really having a knack for speech has been something that I’ve rather jealously clung onto as mine. It is my gift, my talent, my self-validation of sorts.
So when I came off a high on Thursday after having a great practice moot, and my throat began to hurt out of the blue on Friday night (I had initially planned to join chow and xiu for supper after cell), I was devastated.
And even now a part of me wishes so hard that I could be at full health, and not in this measly state where my head swims laps when I stand up and my hands are all wobbly and weak, I mouth the words to my memo because saying them out hurts, and I am so frustrated at my helplessness really and and this is exactly what I need, I think.
You remind me once again, God, that whatever I do should be done for Your glory, that my talents are yours and not mine, and that feeding my own ego and pride is the beginning of a long road to ruin (Foo Fighters, please come back!!).
So I still ask for healing, that I might do my best tomorrow, but come what may I have learnt my (painful) lesson. The fact that I can speak at all is your grace God, and for whatever I might achieve tomorrow, to God be the glory.
Goodnight guys 🙂